Stress

I've been pretty stressed out. But it's weird because I don't usually feel stressed out, like oh my god, my head is going to explode any minute! When I get stressed out, my body goes hay-wire. EVERYTHING upsets my stomach, and I feel nauseous all.the.time. (I'm sorry I know that's TMI.) I am awake during the day with no problem, but I can't get myself to wake up in the morning. A few days ago I wanted to burst into tears for no reason.

I've been so busy at work the past month that I literally have no clue what day it is. There is no consistency to my schedule, and it changes all the time. Even, like today, on the day of. I feel guilty when I eat crap, or don't work out, but my work is so crazy that I don't have time and I eat whatever I can, and then I feel worse. I worry about money all the time, to the point that I feel guilty when I have to buy groceries. To eat. To LIVE. How ridiculous is that? After Heather decided not to sublet from us, I almost decided not to go to DC, which I have to do for myself and my career, but I was so worried about not being able to afford it that I honestly considered not going. And I was pissed that her last minute decision made me feel that way. I'm worried about leaving the familiarity here and starting something new. I'm afraid I won't know or remember anything.

I'm also worried about coming back here after the fact. Everyone keeps telling me there's no way I'm coming back, but I refuse to hear it because what if that doesn't happen? Then I'm a disappointment because I didn't get anything out there permanent. And there was a brand new hire at work today that wants to take over my work (she literally walked right up to me and made it very clear within minutes of meeting me), and I couldn't help but panic a little that maybe I won't get to keep my responsibilities after all. I can't bare the thought of moving backward. And I don't want to come back here just to do the same damn thing and make no money. But what else is there to do here for me?

I can't remember what about life is carefree and fun. But I'm not in so deep that I can't tell that I worry needlessly sometimes and that I want to put all my worries aside and enjoy things again. I'm hoping this summer brings some of that back. Babe and I will be in a new city together, getting to explore things neither of us have ever seen or done. And we'll both have weekends free. Whole weekends!! Can you imagine?! There may not necessarily be more consistency, but it will be new and different, and hopefully with a little effort, I can enjoy it and relax and realize that things are actually ok.