Back at it?

Well well, it has been a while, hasn't it?  For a while (almost a year) I did not write here.  I'm not really sure why.  I got discouraged about not being sure what to write, feeling like I didn't have anything to contribute or anything important to say I suppose.  Lately I have had a lot of things swirling around in my brain, and for some reason tonight it feels right to sit and write it down.  Reading old posts makes me remember how much emotion I put on the page and how it helped me sort through them.  It also is inspiring to go back and read old posts about the major transitions of my life over the past two years and remember what that felt like.  So much has changed, and yet now, this is my new normal.

First of all, Joe and I got engaged and we are still living apart.  That's probably a good place to start.  We got officially engaged last February and will be getting married in October 2013.  Wedding planning is going well...but I keep running into issues here and there in which I feel almost unworthy, and feel down on myself.  For example, taking engagement pictures was really hard for me.  I see all these pictures on facebook and everyone looks amazing and their pictures are beautiful, and I was absolutely certain I would be disappointed in ours because I'm not pretty enough or whatever.  It is so vain, even writing it down makes me feel bad.  But it is honestly the hardest part of this process for me, and oddly at the end of the day none of it matters.  What matters is that we are getting married and it is going to be a great day.  But my self confidence and internal voice is telling me things like, no one will come or no one cares, I won't be a "beautiful" bride like everyone else, etc.

Speaking of self confidence, I am (obviously) struggling in that department.  I am still at my job and it is going well.  I just got a great promotion and have been doing interesting work.  But lately a few people have been treating me not particularly well and it has been really hard.  Having gone through similar things in graduate school and with a coworker at my first job, I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with me that makes people treat me badly.  I always take stuff like this too personally,  and the older I get the more I feel like that makes it harder for me to do my job well.  I can't count on everyone to always be nice, and I hate getting burned when I find out I can't trust someone to be so.  I always turn it inwardly on myself and ask what I have done wrong, and it is very self defeating: I am not worthy of being nice to. I am not good at what I am doing, and I should just give up.

Additionally, it's been a rough month or two around the house.  The dog that Holly and I lived with, Bowser, who I poured my heart and soul into to help take care of got hit by a car and died about a month ago.  It was the single most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.  It seems odd to say that about a dog that I only know for a year and a half, but he was a huge part of my daily life and I took a lot of pride in caring for him and his well being.  Everything about my life here changed when he died.  How I spent my evenings, my comfort level in my house after dark, and when I am home alone, I am officially home alone.  I think about him all the time and wish constantly that he was still here with us.  I don't even know what else to say than that.  Life can be so cruel sometimes, and it makes loving people and things absolutely terrifying.  The reality is that we take a risk loving that hard because there is always a possibility that that person or dog, or whatever, might not be here tomorrow.  Trying to understand and accept that and find a way to move on from it has been a true learning experience for me.  I now wonder what it will be like when the time comes that I have to say goodbye to my parents, or my brother, or Joe.  People that are integral to my existence.  And it makes me appreciate them and be more present.  Because at the end of the day, anything can happen and I want to have clear memories and things to hold on to, and to know that I did everything I could to make their lives better.

I will stop there for now and hopefully visit again soon.  Heather C., Carrie, and Heather W. are all having babies in about three weeks and I can't wait to see these three new people come in to the world. My mind is boggled by the thought that they are making humans and I can't wait to meet them.

Let's see what you've got, 2012

Happy New Year! Wow, I still can't believe it's 2012. I can't believe 2011 is already over. What happened? Where did it go? I was reading through some of my older posts, realizing how different everything is now from then. It's so crazy how much has happened. The other day Joe and I were talking about his packing up to head back to Wisconsin (in three weeks) and I asked him what he thought life would be like right now if I hadn't come out to DC. Would we have made it? I think we would have made it, but then again I'm not so sure. It would have been hard for me. I know I would have been worried about what him coming back would be like. Would I be enough after his new experiences in the big city? Would our "old" life be too boring? Would I ever leave Milwaukee?? 'It would be a lot harder' was his response. 'You would have been unhappy.'

The rate at which this year flew by has taught me a lot about how I will approach life from now on. I am often without words to describe how incredibly lucky I feel to be given a chance to build my career and feel good about myself. Time passes by even faster than I even imagined, and life has a way of figuring itself out. I spent so long worrying about time frames and what ifs, when maybe I didn't need to. Someone asked me the other day, what's next? And I honestly didn't know what to say. I almost wasn't sure if it mattered. I feel like whatever happens, it will be ok, and it will probably even be good. My next "goal", is to figure out how to balance our new life with Joe being in Milwaukee and me being here. To try and see eachother as much as possible and live life as much as possible, not wishing the time away. I do sometimes hope it will be possible that he'll be back out here sooner than I think, but at the same time I don't worry about it. I can't control it and I don't want to spend a lot of time wondering and planning on how to make that possible. Whatever our next step is will happen how and when it is meant to happen.

In other news, my roommate Bobby moved to Florida over the weekend and took Gemma with him, as well as most of the furniture. It was sad and we miss them a lot. I spent a lot of time getting to house back in order over the weekend; I even bought some furniture at IKEA. We also spent time with Heather and Ted for new years, and brought Bowser with us! I'm so glad he's still around and it's even starting to feel like he's a little bit like our dog. It's a new normal for us, and it will change again when Joe leaves, but I feel good about staying where I am with Holly and Bowser. Hopefully we'll be there for a while, because the company is really nice!

How time flies

Remember this?

http://wannabeworkaholic.blogspot.com/2010/12/in-spirit-of-new-year.html

This was almost ONE YEAR AGO. I wrote about all the holidays, birthdays, and experiences that would occur in this year, wishing they would hurry up and be over so my "normal" life could resume. I also write the following:

"I find myself wanting to blow off 2011, by saying things like I just want it to be over so this whole thing can be over. But I know deep down this is not the right attitude. This year will present many challenges for us, but that does not automatically have to mean that the course of the year is pre-determined (and pre-determined to be bad at that). I could get a (real) job this year, I could move to DC after all this year or at least visit..."

And you know what? 2011 ended up being one of the best years of my life to date. Seriously. And I got that job, the one I had been dreaming of. Looking back at this post has truly humbled me today. Not only because of how quickly the time really has gone by, but also for the incredible changes that have occurred in only a years time. Just goes to show how unpredictable and perfectly things can work out sometimes, when you least expect it. Sometimes you just have to have a little faith. I'm so glad I didn't blow off 2011. And I'm truly excited for 2012.

Happy Holidays everyone. Maybe your new year be filled with new and exciting adventures and experiences, too.

Home Visit

Joe and I headed home last weekend to Wisconsin to celebrate Christmas with his side of the family. I also wanted to get back home to pick up warm clothes and pack up a few more essentials since I'll be in DC for the long haul. I was really worried about being back there and feeling like I didn't want to leave, or that it would be really hard remembering our "old" life. But in actuality, I felt like everywhere I turned there were "ghosts" of my life there that I didn't like at all. Driving past the Villa and going to the WM was hard and made me feel so incredibly lucky to love my new job and my amazing co-workers. I still really like the Milwaukee area, but I feel like I want to be there in a different way, like if I could be doing what I am doing here, having a normal working schedule so Joe and I could have dinners together and enjoy a more normal schedule, then it would be great. But my work there didn't allow that. I felt good about coming back. And that made me feel a lot better.

My roommate had her first breakdown that Bobby is moving to Florida last night and my heart went out to her. She said "first you can comfort me and then I'll comfort you when Joe leaves." All I could think was this time around is hugely different than the last time. Having done it once and seen all the amazing things that came out of that experience makes me feel so much better. I actually hardly think about Joe going back to MKE. I'm sure there will be a reality check eventually that we can't just see eachother whenever we want, but life is so much different now, and I am so much different now. I'm happier now. Being apart requires a lot of extra work and effort, but we've done this before and we can do it again.

A Dog's Life

I have wanted a dog for the better part of my life. When I moved to DC almost seven months ago (whoa!) I moved into a house with a couple who has two dogs. One was an older male dog named Bowser and the other was a nine month old, very energetic female lab named Gemma. Never in a million years, with all the work I have done with dogs throughout my life, could I have imagned what actually living with dogs on a day to day basis could have taught me. I have a much greater appreciation now for the work that goes into responsibly owning a dog, but I also have a much more profound understanding of just how much they truly add to our lives. They are honestly like people to us, very special and unique in their own ways, and entertaining to no end. And I find myself caring very deeply about their well-being and happiness. I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to "test out" pets before actually having my own, but now I want one of my own even more!

They are absolutely the best cuddlers you could ever ask for!

Every now an again, they do things that annoy and frustrate me, leaving me scratching my head asking WHY on earth did you feel the need to do that? Case in point: that is every single sheet and towel Bobby and Holly own dug out of the drawers and draped all over the floor.

I'd also like to add that when Joe and I first started dating he was certain he was allergic to dogs and would never be able to own one. Not even kidding, I flipped out about this a little. As luck would have it, he isn't allergic to them one bit, AND he's even more obsessed with them than I am. I swear, he could play fetch with Gemma all day long and be completely happy. All Gemma wants to do in life is fetch. From sun up to sun down, she will bring you everything she can find to throw for her. We all often comment that we wished we loved anything in life as much as she loves to fetch! We could all certainly learn something from her enthusiasm!

In other news, I have yet to with the $100 cash prize for WINGO, which I desparately want! $100! In cash! I could really use that! In the mean time, I've been doing a lot more of this:


My coworker and I have been going to the gym together once a week and really kicking eachother's butts. It's great to have a workout buddy to keep me motivated, and great for us to have a similar hobby. And I've been trying to up my running to ::maybe:: run a 5K in January. I've been trying some new recipes, and I've been very pleased with them thus far. Here's to getting back on track!

Motivation

Every now and again I stumble across a new blog that gives me added motivation to challenge myself or try something new. I suppose I should begin by mentioning that I took the job in DC and have not looked back. In fact, recently I learned some very upsetting news about some events that are taking place at my old job in Milwaukee, and I have been thanking my lucky stars that the opportunity came up for me to be surrounded by supportive, professional, hardworking, friendly, mature people who make me a better person every day. The benefits of being in this job far out-way the downside of living apart from Babe starting this February. For what it does for my confidence in myself and what it has given me in terms of the capacity to begin to hope and actually plan for our future, I will be forever grateful for this opportunity.

At my work, our executive manager has established a wellness program focused on helping us stay motivated throughout the holiday season to eat healthy, exercise, and generally make good choices about our well-being. Each week we participate in Wellness Bingo, in which we complete five activities, and then enter to win a cash prize. It's been really fun to be challenged by my co-workers. Lately, I've noticed a few extra pounds lingering from my five weeks off in which I was at home stuffing my face, and trying to make some major life decisions. Babe has also been complaining about struggling to get back into the rhythm. I really feel like we just need a little kick of motivation to get us back on track and it's times like these that I feel like I want to set goals for myself to keep me working towards something. Awhile ago, I found a blog about a girl who runs marathons, that made me wish I was better at running. Today, I found another, similar blog about a woman who became a chef and a marathon runner because of her desire to lead a healthier lifestyle. Today, I'm feeling more motivated, like I want to sign up for something to get my butt moving....

I got the job

I got a phone call yesterday offering me a permanent position at Ocean Leadership. And I am ashamed to say I don't know if I want to accept it. I have been struggling for the past two and a half months with this decision. Having to choose between the comforts of home and family but not really working in the field I have worked so hard to find a place in, and staying in DC where I can do really interesting work, but have to leave behind everything else I want right now too, like stability, not being in a long distance relationship, a puppy (!), being close to my parents (relatively), cheaper rent, etc etc. Really I just don't want to be alone. Why does it have to be so either or with me? And Babe is so set in what he wants to do that I feel I am having to make a decision between us being together and us not. Which is ultimately more important? Having a job that I like working in a great organization with good people, but being alone, and not being alone but working hourly for an organization unrelated to my interests?

Logically I can't say no. How would I even justify that? Turning down a job with great benefits in this economy would be insane. So I'll do it because it is the smart thing to do. And it will probably be the right decision in the end. But having to change my frame of mind to drastically having worked so hard to keep this relationship going, only to at 27 years old be living apart, totally different lives for who knows how many years seems like the kiss of death for us. I really don't want to live like that. it seems too....I don't even know what. hard? is it even worth it?