Back at it?

Well well, it has been a while, hasn't it?  For a while (almost a year) I did not write here.  I'm not really sure why.  I got discouraged about not being sure what to write, feeling like I didn't have anything to contribute or anything important to say I suppose.  Lately I have had a lot of things swirling around in my brain, and for some reason tonight it feels right to sit and write it down.  Reading old posts makes me remember how much emotion I put on the page and how it helped me sort through them.  It also is inspiring to go back and read old posts about the major transitions of my life over the past two years and remember what that felt like.  So much has changed, and yet now, this is my new normal.

First of all, Joe and I got engaged and we are still living apart.  That's probably a good place to start.  We got officially engaged last February and will be getting married in October 2013.  Wedding planning is going well...but I keep running into issues here and there in which I feel almost unworthy, and feel down on myself.  For example, taking engagement pictures was really hard for me.  I see all these pictures on facebook and everyone looks amazing and their pictures are beautiful, and I was absolutely certain I would be disappointed in ours because I'm not pretty enough or whatever.  It is so vain, even writing it down makes me feel bad.  But it is honestly the hardest part of this process for me, and oddly at the end of the day none of it matters.  What matters is that we are getting married and it is going to be a great day.  But my self confidence and internal voice is telling me things like, no one will come or no one cares, I won't be a "beautiful" bride like everyone else, etc.

Speaking of self confidence, I am (obviously) struggling in that department.  I am still at my job and it is going well.  I just got a great promotion and have been doing interesting work.  But lately a few people have been treating me not particularly well and it has been really hard.  Having gone through similar things in graduate school and with a coworker at my first job, I am starting to feel like there is something wrong with me that makes people treat me badly.  I always take stuff like this too personally,  and the older I get the more I feel like that makes it harder for me to do my job well.  I can't count on everyone to always be nice, and I hate getting burned when I find out I can't trust someone to be so.  I always turn it inwardly on myself and ask what I have done wrong, and it is very self defeating: I am not worthy of being nice to. I am not good at what I am doing, and I should just give up.

Additionally, it's been a rough month or two around the house.  The dog that Holly and I lived with, Bowser, who I poured my heart and soul into to help take care of got hit by a car and died about a month ago.  It was the single most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.  It seems odd to say that about a dog that I only know for a year and a half, but he was a huge part of my daily life and I took a lot of pride in caring for him and his well being.  Everything about my life here changed when he died.  How I spent my evenings, my comfort level in my house after dark, and when I am home alone, I am officially home alone.  I think about him all the time and wish constantly that he was still here with us.  I don't even know what else to say than that.  Life can be so cruel sometimes, and it makes loving people and things absolutely terrifying.  The reality is that we take a risk loving that hard because there is always a possibility that that person or dog, or whatever, might not be here tomorrow.  Trying to understand and accept that and find a way to move on from it has been a true learning experience for me.  I now wonder what it will be like when the time comes that I have to say goodbye to my parents, or my brother, or Joe.  People that are integral to my existence.  And it makes me appreciate them and be more present.  Because at the end of the day, anything can happen and I want to have clear memories and things to hold on to, and to know that I did everything I could to make their lives better.

I will stop there for now and hopefully visit again soon.  Heather C., Carrie, and Heather W. are all having babies in about three weeks and I can't wait to see these three new people come in to the world. My mind is boggled by the thought that they are making humans and I can't wait to meet them.