Trial Run

Last week, Babe went out to DC for a conference to figure out where he will be working and to meet all of the other fellows. I considered it a mini trial run if you will, to see how I would handle being alone and him getting to experience all of these amazing things with out me. It didn't exactly go as I had hoped......

I don't have any problem being alone, that's really not the problem. I like my work, and I enjoy the things I do outside of my work. I even went to a work christmas party (one of many) and was touched by the amount of emotional support I got from my work friends and their partners. The problem is that I am jealous. Such a horrible word, I know. I hate to even admit it. First of all, being in the same field, I know what kinds of opportunities this experience is going to open up for him. I even applied for this fellowship myself and wasn't selected. And I am back at home still struggling to find that one big break for myself. It takes a huge amount of selflessness to swallow your pride and be happy for someone so close to you, who has an amazing opportunity presented to them. I feel like he will not have to struggle the way I have, to deal with the rejection like I have, because of this opportunity. And I am left to sit at home and miss out on this life changing experience. *Pity Party over here!* I know it's terrible. I really am very proud of him and proud of his accomplishments. He reminds me that his successes are mine too, as we are sharing our lives. But the feeling that I wish it was me too is so overwhelming, a big part of me is not sure how I am going to survive the year (unless I figure out how to ditch the resentment).

The other thing is, no one is telling me not to just drop everything and go! My parents have made it clear they wouldn't support my making that decision, but everyone else around me tells me to just go! They'll get over it! When else in your life will you get a chance like this? I know I don't want to move and just be unemployed. For me, that is the worst feeling in the world. To go would require me having something to go out there to, and over the past six months that has proved to be virtually impossible. It's not that I haven't tried. Why must I have to try sooo hard?!! I feel stuck. And I feel sad, and hopeless, and like I have failed. And like everything I wanted for my life I will have to watch happen to my boyfriend instead of me. And like no one understands...